back on campus.

Just a few pictures this time. I don’t have a clue as to what I want to say.

i missed my man.

I’m glad to be back.

it’s done and gone.

Fall break has started, and the Kansas crew, or the “KU Krew” has already come and gone. It was a wonderful weekend, full of laughs, kisses, wrinkled sheets and late nights. I’m so happy they came, it was amazing to see then all so happy and so relaxed. I know that it was what i really needed to relax, and I’d like to think that it did the same for the three of them. Caro has been so anxious with school, the horses, Blue Koi and on top of that her mother’s new found invalidity. She had one night that had me worried, but I guess it blew over. Ben had been busy doing all the clerking work at the Court of Appeals, and with his daughter and Carody, that’s enough to make anyone’s head spin. And Cole, I don’t even know what to say.

He and I had a great weekend, a better weekend than I had ever imagined. Hand in hand walking through the Mall of Washington DC, cuddling at the Capital Challenge Horse Show while teaching him about Jumpers, it was so romantic. Lat night we spent the night at a great hotel off of the Embassy Row in Downtown DC, filled with a lot of very passionate moments that made my skin crawl. And now I’m sitting on my couch, with my mom, hoping I don’t burst into tears.

This morning, he and I were laying in our enormous king-size bed at the hotel and after a little i asked him what we were doing. I told him I didn’t think I could keep doing this, this awkward relationship that we had developed. He didn’t try and convince me different. He just said okay. He said that it was probably better for us, that he’d be in DC in a few years, hopefully. I hoped he’d tell me

I’m so inconsolable. Carody, Robert, Audrey and Mom all tried to tell me that it’s okay. That if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I cannot be mad at him though. I just wish he’d have said something else.

Cole and I at dinner in DC.

The losers that visited by the Washington Monument.

eight days.

It may be 3:19 in the morning, but I’m counting it as Thursday. And in eight days, I get to see the loves of my life again. For the first time in 20 weeks. In case you were wondering, me and Carody have NEVER gone this long without seeing each other. In the whole history of knowing each other, which is almost four years. Yeah, that’s hellacious; I’m aware.

I skipped all my classes today. It was nice. Well, the pre-text to that should be I skipped all my classes today because I had a killer migraine. Like, I had to look like a tool and wear my sunglasses down the hall to go pee because my head hurt so bad. And my miracle drugs didn’t even help. What’s the world coming to?

So, at 2:45 when I finally got out of bed, I went out and dropped off my check for my IHSA entry fees for Saturday, and socialized with the sweet people that I used to lesson with. I miss riding with friends. I mean, I really do enjoy my two private lessons because I am finally feeling like I’m really getting better at riding, and just handling Romario. But I miss them.

Oh! On the topic of handling Romo, I finally saw the legendary buck. Well, rode through the legendary buck. Thanks, homeboy. There was five separate instances where I nearly saw Jesus on Tuesday morning, it was pretty intimidating. First one was over the first little 2′ box we jumped over, and I pushed the last three steps, and he jumped, then landed and gave me a BIG fuck you. Think of it this way, Lindsey told me that she didn’t know it was possible for a horse’s body to bend like his did. Isn’t that comforting? Anyway, then I saw it again when I went down the six stride line that we had set up that I couldn’t ride to save my life, literally, and then also when we jumped two boxes on top of themselves with some sweet hot pink flowers. Anyway, I’m still sore, and a little worried about jumping him around tomorrow. He’ll make me a better rider, thank god.

Oh, best part is, he’s a possible draw for my over fences class. Isn’t that AWESOME?!
</sarcasm>

After I dropped off my check for IHSA, I went and rode Romo. It was useless, I just kinda hoped sitting on him would put me in a better mood. Which it did. Oh, the medicinal value of horses. <3 But, I was feeling daring. I rode him in my hoodie, jeans, GPA and Sperry’s, and he just had on his little bridle with a snaffle. I trust him back there, oddly enough. Elissa, the barn manager, saw me and told me probably one of the funniest things I’d heard all day.

Elissa: “You’re actually riding bareback?”
Me: “Yup. I’m not really up to really riding today. I just needed to sit on him.”
Elissa: “You do know your horse is crazy, right?”
Me: “Yeah, I do. But…. I think he knows I need this.”

Then Dylan walked over and said, “Uh, something is missing.”

Apparently, I have a death wish. Oh well. I love the Romo, he’s wonderful.

I miss Caro a lot. A lot, a lot. And I miss him too. Maybe we can make something work. I don’t want to get my hopes up though. That would be bad news bears.

I have this odd craving to watch The Rescuers Down Under, me and Taylor were quoting it today, it was amazing. Damn VHS. I want a DVD copy. That is a quality movie.

“I don’t want to be a purse!”

I’ll leave you with that.

made it out alive.

Ahhh, the Drama Queen has left the building, at least for a little while. I promise.

This past week has been really stressful, and I’ve been rather easily upset… And I’m finally realizing that I have better things in life to worry about than my stupid roommate, her stupid boyfriend, and the boy back in Kansas. I still my Best Friend, no joke. That’s unfixable. Thank god I see her in three weeks.

However, I took my first test today… And it was rough. Me and the gang in my American History Survey class (Taylor, Lauren, Ash, Doug) all met up and studied in the library yesterday, after an intense game of kickball. But, We studied for two and a half straight hours, and I definitely still had no idea what was one the test. Ha. I’m so glad I’m working for Dr. Herr, and totally SUCKING on his tests. Isn’t that comforting? It’s a sign that I need to stop slacking and pick up the damn books and read, and stop just hoping I’ll get by. That’s not going to work this semester. And not to mention, this semester is insanely more busy than my other two here at St. Andrews.

I’ve involved myself, to the extreme.
- Riding Council, Member At Large/Photographer
- Judicial Committee, chosen out of the whole student body
- IHSA Hunt Seat Team
- A Show Team
- Historical Student Association, Secretary
- Model UN, maybe. Still haven’t decided.

Annnddddd, My parents finally folded and I got a horse! (:
I started leasing Romario today, and I’m really excited. Except, I have a feeling I won’t be calling him Romario much. I like Romo a lot more. (: (Plus, sounds like Mo, and then Caro and I match!) Lessons with Lindsey start tomorrow, 8AM! Woooo. Hahah. It’s gonna be a rough semester.

It was Luau this weekend… Wow. I was my normal de-rail self. Incase you were wondering.
I made out/”sucked face” on Saturday night in front of the whole student body on the balcony of Belk with a certain someone… And I don’t know what to think of it. Oh well. Taylor was all worried about life, boys, and the decisions she’d made in the past, but because I’m amazing, things are good again. (:

I’ve made it out alive. thank god.

currently playing: green light, john legend and andre 3000

sometimes.

I think that sometimes, even though it’s hard, it might just be worth it to give up.

These past four weeks have been some of the most emotionally taxing days that I have been through in such a long time. I thought that after camp, I could handle anything. I mean, after ten weeks in BFE North Carolina with people that I could have sort-of cared less for, I survived. After just 21 days here, I’ve already broken down and cried so many times, and I don’t know why. I mean, I know why. I want stability. I want a best friend. I want to be important to someone. I want to be close to someone. And what really sucks, is that I have all that, eighteen hours away.

I have a whole other life full of people who love me and love having me around. I have people who think I’m important, and tell me to turn Coldplay off when I’m in the dumps. My roommate hasn’t even noticed. How the FUCK are you so dull and self-absorbed that you don’t realize that the person you live with is filling out transfer applications, crying, and doing nothing but homework and watch The OC? I really don’t know if I’ll be able to take this whole year. I mean, I love the girl, don’t get me wrong. But, living with her is so damn difficult. It’s All Audrey (Her), all the time. I’m just getting fed up of her gayass boyfriend who thinks it’s great to make fun of me, and my few little tendencies. (Fear/hatred of feet, Vegetarianism…) Even if it seems tough, you stick up for the girls. Chicks before dicks. But, I’m apparently wrong. And a fatass. Thanks.

All I want is a hug. A hug, a shot of tequila, and the ones I really miss.

Sophomore year sucks.

finally.

Thank goodness.

I finally leave for North Carolina tomorrow morning. Horray. (: After spending just over a week here in Dumfries, I’ve realized that I really need my friends to keep me not only sane, but happy. I’ve been a raging bitch to my family, to the point where my mother has looked at me and told me I was free to leave whenever I wanted. Ha. Anyways, I’m making the long six hour drive down to Laurinburg to finally return to one of my few happy places.

It seems so odd, that just a year ago I was sitting in this exact spot, not being able to sleep because I was so excited to meet new people, and start over. I couldn’t wait to meet my roommate, and set up my dorm, stay up till 4AM and not have my mom care. But, as it comes around this time, I’m not really looking forward to being able to be a complete fool on Saturday nights and hang the jingle bells on the door or setting up my room, I’m most excited to see the people that I know already, my school family. We started the journey as college kids last fall leaving our families and moving in with strangers we barely knew anything about besides what sport they played and where they were from. But by the time the year was up, we had to leave our new formed families to move to back to our houses, and learn how to survive the summer.

When I left in May, I figured that I was going to survive without all my friends., AC, R, D, L. But, after just a few mere days, I realized that I was not going to be blessed with such an easy task. R and I talked ALL the time this summer, talking about riding lessons and hanging out, and all that stuff that best friends do. And A and I had weekly or even bi-weekly phone conversations to keep each other updated. L, D and I kept in touch mostly by text messages and things of the sort. Thank god for Facebook! AC, my dear roommate, we took the summer almost separately. Calling each other after horse shows (for her), or before dates (for me), we’d catch up. She’s turned in from more than just a friend to a sister.

I finally get to go back home.

because.

I’m such a fool sometimes. Alot of times.

I’m currently up in New Jersey visiting my Grandmother, taking some quality time with a book and my iPod. But, it’s been “disasterous” outside, so my mother as completely vetoed going out to the beach. So instead I’ve been entertaining myself on my grandmother’s dial-up internet, AIM Express, and the Olympics on TV. I’ve got the third Twilight book, but I don’t want to read it. I’m saving it for the beach. Because, I will get there.

Or a trip up to New York City, like I was so lovely promised. But, because I got my hopes up, guess what! We didn’t go. I’m absolutely heartbroken. Not just because I didn’t get my way, or that things didn’t work out, it’s because I let someone else down. And that’s not fair to him, or to me for that matter. Mommy Dearest needs to shape up.

Thank god I leave for the LBG in six days. If it we’re for that, I’d be either hitch-hiking my way to Kansas, or selling myself on a street corner to make up for the lack of money in my bank account. Summer camp, as terrible as it was, made the summer pass by. Since I’ve been back, a whole three days, it’s been terribly slow. I’ve gotten compliments on how good I look, but. That means nothing to me. I’m still 15 pounds heavier than what I’d like, and seriously out of shape. Riding that handful of times at camp really screwed me over in the muscle tone department.

I did get to go shopping today. My mother and garndmother felt bad for not allowing me to go to the City, so they took me to J. Crew instead. I got three new pairs of pants, a new jacket, scarf, shirt, skirt, and a nifty pair of knee socks. Can I add, that I’m finally back down to a size four?! Thank god. The freshman fifteen is gone, now I just need to loose a little more weight till I’m entirely happy.

Caro, Ben and Cole are going to be here in eight weeks! I know that sounds like forever away, but. Especially after not being able to see Cole today, I’m really looking forward to seeing him again. Caro too. But, is it bad that I’m more excited to see him? It might partly be because he’s coming to visit me, across the country, because he likes me that much, but I’m still very excited to see my best friend. 20 weeks is a very LONG time apart.

I’m sorry. I’m whining. Anyways, that’s it for today.

ihsa rules my life.

So, any other college kid would be sitting up at 12:30 doing school work. I however, am up because I just got home from the IHSA Horse Show at Virginia Intermont, up in Bristol, Virginia. I’m so worn out, it’s ridiculous. After having our show here last week on Friday (Yes, only five days ago) I’ve been in like, a blur of work for IHSA. I hacked Oliver on Sunday, and took a lesson on Swash on Monday, then had practice on Fritz for the over fences part of the show that night. Then, we left at 2PM on Tuesday, right after I took a huge Introduction to Business test. I was about ready to kill myself, but thankfully I had Ashleigh, Rob and Audrey to keep me sane. (Along with multiple other wonderful upperclassmen, and some very annoying freshman and sophomores.)

So, we watched like, four movies on the bus back and forth, all very good ones. Little Miss Sunshine, The Holiday, Because I said So, and Prime, but I slept through that one. We thankfully had a nice bus this time, and it had a bathroom with a light in it! I was so excited. Haha. After our last trip to Virginia Intermont, that was a biiiiig step up. So, I had the same exact seat as I did last time too, but I was across from the one boy on the trip! Peggy consistently made fun of him, but he was a good sport. I had fun, minus some rather uncomfortable discussion about sex, drugs and drinking from some people in front of me. I really don’t know why she’s so compelled to talk about that. It’s a personal thing, not something you SCREAM about on the bus. Ugh. Uncomfortableness.

Anyway, the horse show went really well! We were the Reserve Champion High Point Team, and Janelle was the Champion High Point Rider! I was entered in a section of Intermediate Over Fences, as well as Intermediate Equitation On the Flat. I, very surprisingly, won my Over Fences class! I pulled his big Thoroughbred/Warmblood thing named Hansel. He looked like he’d be a really hot ride, but he was actually quiet quiet and dead to my leg, at spots. Anyway, We had a pretty decent ride, and apparently very few other people didn’t, so I won! I was pretty happy. I pulled a horse that wasn’t so nice for my Flat class, and ended up third. The judge never even asked us to post the trot! It was so odd. So, He was crazy bouncy, so I had to use all the muscles and tricks I could to get myself not to look like a ragdoll. His canter however, was orgasmic. Oh goodness.

So, lessons today, and then practice rides over the weekend, and I think I’m making a road trip with Rob up to watch in Raleigh while Audrey and Katy show. Then, next weekend we’re off to Chatham Hall again, for a show hosted by UNC Charlotte. We’ve gotta kick some ass, again. We are gonna beat VI!